Alone
by H.E. Mahk
Summary: After the sudden overdose of several long-since recovered addicts, the BAU team has to solve the case. Meanwhile, Reid deals with some past demons as things take a somewhat personal turn. Very Reid-Centric, set during this past hiatus so there's no 7th team member. Warnings: drug abuse. This is my first fan fiction so lower your expectations now.
1. The Briefing

**_Habit_**

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 _This is my first ever fan fiction, I welcome all constructive criticism. I own nothing._

 _Trigger Warning: drug addiction - Cassidy_

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Bzzzz…bzzzz… bzzzz…

Reid woke up groggily, it was just past 5:00 AM. He picked up his phone and saw it was Garcia. _A case already?_ he thought. They had just gotten back from one the night before.

"Reid" he answered. Garcia's always chipper voice chimed through the other end,

"Good morning 187, sorry to wake you from your sweet slumber, but Hotch needs everyone in the conference room in an hour— you can leave your go-bag there, this creep is running around in our lovely city". Reid had started to pull a shirt and tie out of his closet,

"Alright, see you there". Garcia said goodbye and Reid continued getting ready.

Reid sat his bag down next to an empty chair at the round table. Hotch greeted him,

"Good morning, thank you all for coming in so quickly, and for the early hour as well, at least we don't have to fly across the country for this one. Garcia—" he trailed off, letting her brief the team as usual.

"Alright, crimefighters, we've got six bodies in the last 3 months" Morgan looked up from his case file and said,

"All ODs?" Garcia replied,

"That is correct. We've got Ben Clarke, James Ritter, Emma Armstrong, José Salas, Ryan Li, and Rhea Morrison. Their ages range from 22 to 48 years old."

"That's quite the diverse bunch, the unsub doesn't seem to have a preference for any one race or gender" Rossi spoke up, "were these possibly victims of opportunity?" Morgan was still focused on the MO,

"Wait, I'm sorry, why are we thinking these are homicides? Seem like pretty cut and dry overdoses to me. Says here in the file that most of them all had faded track marks on their arms, so they had a history with drug abuse". Hotch answered this time around,

"According to their family and friends, pretty much all of them had been sober for at least four years— José Salas had been clean for over 15 years— and they were all very involved in various narcotics anonymous programs. The only one who wasn't was Ryan Li. His parents said he had just gotten his 90 days and was really excited about it. James Ritter just got engaged, Ben Clarke just had twins, none of them had any obvious reason to relapse like this and overdose right away." JJ decided to contribute to the discussion,

"So this unsub goes around to local NA meetings and just pick people who've been successful within the program… maybe this guy is also an addict who hasn't had that same success and is taking out his frustration on others?"

 _JJ's theory makes sense_ Reid thought. He was quiet during the briefing, understandably because of the method in which this unsure kills his victims. Reid had been clean for over eight years, and though these kind of cases didn't affect him as much as they used to, he still became a little uneasy when drugs were mentioned. His silence certainly didn't go unnoticed by the others; Morgan gave somewhat frequent glances over to the young doctor, as did their unit chief. It was an unspoken understanding amongst the team of Reid's past issue with drug use. His friend's would definitely be keeping a watchful eye on him.

"JJ, you and I are going to go talk to the families, Morgan and Reid, you'll be going to the coroner's office, and Rossi I want you to visit some of the local NA meetings around the area, see if you can't find out more about the victim's recovery". Everyone gathered their jackets and headed out to begin solving this case.

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 _Sorry, this is really short, but I have like the next five chapters all thought out, hopefully I'll get those churned out as soon as possible. Please let me know what you think! Thank you so much for reading :D - Cassidy_


	2. The Morgue

_Thank you so much for the reviews, follows, and favs! I honestly wasn't expecting anything, so thank you :D_

 _Anyway, time for some more feelz, maybe - Cassidy_

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Dr. Zerezghi led Reid and Morgan into the examination room where the latest, and youngest, victim, Ryan Li, was lying on a cold, sterile, metal slab.

"It's a shame, poor kid was barely 22," Zerezghi remarked. Morgan replied with a sigh,

"yeah, and right when he was getting back on his feet." There was a momentary pause before the coroner began with his report,

"Yes, well Mr. Li here has no defensive wounds, no ligature marks, only one puncture wound, and the only thing that showed up on his tox screen was enough heroin to kill a Clydesdale." Reid had been examining the victim's arms. Since Li hadn't been clean for very long, there were some very visible scars littering the bend of his elbow, but no new marks. It's a good thing the young genius was getting better at masking his headaches because a terrible one was beginning to brew right in the middle of his forehead. He couldn't press into the bridge of his nose like he normally would without triggering Morgan's overly-protective big brother response so for now he'd have to grin and bear it.

 _You know exactly what's causing this headache, and you also know exactly what will make it stop,_ Spencer quickly shook himself of these dangerous thoughts, refocusing his attention back to the puzzle lying in front of him.

"Where did you say the new puncture was? All these marks look to be at least three months old," He inquired. Zerezghi directed them to a single red dot-like scab near the base of Ryan Li's neck. Morgan inspected the mark and stated,

"Interesting placement, so he's not trying to make these overdoses look accidental per se, looks like he got him from behind… Reid what do you think?" Reid didn't respond immediately, he was still staring at Li's arms, almost hypnotized by the colors of the leftover bruises.

"Hey, Reid" Morgan nudged his colleague which brought him out of his introspection and back into the dark morgue where they were standing. Reid looked up at Morgan and finally answered,

"Hm? Oh, yeah, yes the, uh, the mark is situated towards the back of his neck, it was probably some kind of blitz attack". Morgan watched Reid with furrowed brows, trying to somehow see through him so as to know what was going on inside his mind. It was against the rules to profile fellow teammates, but they never did actually follow that rule.

The two agents exited into the parking lot to head back to their office. They were both quiet, not wanting to make things awkward by discussing what the whole team was thinking about, but finally, about halfway through the drive, Morgan broke the silence,

"How are you by the way?" Reid had been staring out the window, but heard Morgan's inquiry and responded with his usual monotoned "I'm fine". Morgan was slightly annoyed by his friend's obvious lie, he could tell this case was getting to him a little. Silence once again settled throughout the vehicle and remained that way until Morgan tried a more direct approach,

"Look, I know it's been a long time, but it's completely understandable if—" Reid cut him off,

"Morgan, I'd really rather not talk about this right now. I appreciate your concern, but I'm fine. Really. Believe me, I've been handling it just fine—alone— for quite some time".

"Reid, man—" Morgan started with a mild tint of sadness in his voice and Reid knew what had caused this. He interjected, refusing to make eye contact,

"I don't mean _alone_ , I mean I-I didn't say that for sympathy, I just, I prefer to deal with some things on my own and this is one of those things," the car was quiet again for a moment. Even though they never said exactly what they were talking about, they both knew and at least they had finally addressed the elephant in the room. Still, it was very uncomfortable for Reid to "openly" discuss his past drug addiction with his colleague; his ears burned red and he just wanted to hide in his dark apartment. Well actually, what he really wanted was to solve this case and get it behind him, but the truth was they had barely even gotten started. They sat in silence for the rest of the short ride.

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Thanks again for reading and for the support - Cassidy


	3. New Victim

**Alone**

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 _So I was trying to publish a new chapter everyday, but you know adulting got in the way, so anyway- here ya go, Let me know what you think! - Cassidy_

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Once everyone had returned from their assigned tasks, the team gathered in the conference room to discuss their findings; Morgan and Reid explained that they thought the unsub was attacking his victims from behind and Hotch and JJ described the families' statements— most all of them echoing the same notion that their loved one's deaths were a devastating surprise. Rossi, however, did not have much to offer. They knew which meetings to investigate but because of the anonymous nature of the programs, no real answers were given.

After a rather unproductive morning, Hotch assigned new objectives to each of his colleagues. Reid was to work on a geographical profile— charting the victims' locations they were last seen and where they were found once killed, JJ was to collaborate with Garcia on victimology— digging more into the victims' lives, and Rossi was told to check similar MOs in past case files. Meanwhile, it was getting to a later hour in the afternoon so Hotch and Morgan went to grab dinner for the team knowing they were going to be working well into the night, which gave them the perfect opportunity to discuss what was going on with their youngest agent.

The car engine humming was only noise in the otherwise comfortable silence.

"So how were the families?" Morgan inquired. Hotch replied,

"They're doing as 'bout as well as you'd expect. Scott and Robyn Li were especially distraught, which, understandably so seeing as their son died just yesterday and _so_ young, and right as they were getting some hope…" the older agent trailed off, contemplating his next words— an oddity for the normally well spoken and sure-of-himself unit chief. He continued, "you know, they had just had a celebration for Ryan's sobriety milestone. Friends and family rallying behind him… and now…" as Hotch trailed off a second time all Morgan could do was shake his head and sigh. The mood deflated. "How's Reid by the way?" Hotch asked, not taking his eyes off the road or shifting his hands on the wheel. This time it was Morgan's turn to carefully contemplate his words. While he knew Hotch was as well aware of Reid's predicament and he was, he didn't think it was his place to divulge anything the young agent had told him in confidence.

"He's… handling it. I mean this isn't the first case we've had that's dealt with this kind of MO. He's managed so far, I guess, I don't know… I just feel like this is _different_. I feel like it's been building up, with us not talking about it, and it's just now starting to wear on him, you know?" Again, they avoided the word " _addiction_ ", they weren't supposed to officially know about it. Even after eight years, the threat of exposing this secret they had within the team could prove detrimental to any of the agent's careers. So they continued to dance around it. "Like you said, Ryan had family and friends helping and supporting him… Reid didn't have that. He was alone." It was quiet once more for a small duration, allowing Morgan's words to sink in. _Reid had been alone in this struggle. He's still alone. Does he ever talk to anyone? Does he have a sponsor? Does he still go to meetings? What's the closest he's ever come to backsliding? How did he not relapse after Maeve? After Gideon? Does he carry a sobriety chip with him?_ _Should we talk to him? Would he want us to talk to him? There's got to be some way we can help._ These were the thoughts that ran through the two agents' minds. After securing some take out for the group they headed back— their conversation focused more on the case itself than their fellow team member.

There wasn't much to go on. The leads on whom their unsub might be ran dry and it was useless keeping the team any later than it already was. Hotch dismissed his agents to get some sleep. They would reconvene in the morning and continue with their investigation. Reid was the last to leave, getting home to his apartment at around two in the morning. He didn't bother getting undressed, he simply kicked of his converse and just about fell onto his bed. His headache that had been plaguing him throughout most of the day had slightly subsided now that he had retreated into the darkness that was bliss on his eyes. He fell asleep almost immediately— a rarity for him.

After four hours of restless sleep, Reid was woken by that all too familiar buzzing of his phone. Although all he wanted was to ignore it and sleep for another four hours, he forced himself to sit up and answer,

"Reid." It was not Garcia, but Hotch, who responded this time around,

"It's Hotch— I need you to come back to the office, we've got another victim. 65 year-old John Wolf, former Associate Deputy Director of the Bureau, was found dead in his home about an hour ago, same MO as our guy." Reid had froze, he couldn't be hearing this, could he? He lowered the phone away from his ear, neglecting whatever Hotch was saying on the other end. Reid thought to himself: _John Wolf. John from the Beltway Clean Cops meetings. This isn't happening._

"Spencer," He heard Hotch's raised voice exit the small speaker of his phone which snapped him back into this painful reality. He brought the phone back up to his ear and replied,

"Give me twenty minutes, I'm headed over now."

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 _Thanks again so much for reading and for your lovely reviews - Cassidy_


	4. Not Alright

**Alone**

Since Reid had only changed his shirt and tie, he made it to the office in a little under 18 minutes. With the collar of his peacoat turned up, he marched into the conference room. The only other members waiting for him there were Hotch and JJ. The blonde was on the phone talking with the officers that responded to the 911 call made by Mrs. Wolf, though she did look up to give Reid a nod of acknowledgement. The doctor sat his bag down, the thud it made on the floor alerted Hotch of his arrival. Hitch gave Reid the complete run-down:

"Reid, Morgan and Rossi are on their way, I'm going to send them to the crime scene when they get here. We're currently trying to get information from the D.C. police and we're going to be bringing in the victim's wife some time around noon to get some details about his life and his recovery— hopefully that'll tell us more about our unsub. With him being a former higher up, this case just became high profile". Reid didn't respond. He just stood there with his arms crossed; his gaze ever so slightly directed at the floor. "Reid." Hotch said, trying to get his young colleague's attention.

"21 years." Reid mumbled under his breath.

"What?" Hotch asked, confused.

"You wanted details on John's life and recovery? He's been clean for 21 years". Reid clarified. Hotch quickly put together what was happening. JJ had stopped listening to her own conversation and focused on the two men in front of her, concern filling her eyes. Hotch noticed this, too, and excused Reid and himself into the sanctity of his office to discuss this in private. Hotch shut the door and questioned,

"You knew him?" Reid replied stoically,

"We met right before the Owen Savage case back in '08". Hotch, as well as the whole team, remembered that case very well. They largely remember Reid's unprofessional and borderline idiotic behavior. Hotch was reflecting on their initial briefing, when Reid had come in late,

"You're _movie_ ", the unit chief said, more to himself than to Reid. The younger agent started to shift a little bit— once again, uncomfortable to have to be talking about this, especially with his superior, but if it meant finding their perp a little faster then he was willing. "I'm sorry Reid. You've suffered too much loss lately, more than anyone should have to," Hotch said in an attempt to console his agent, who seemed more angry than upset, "he was a good friend?" Hotch asked, luring Reid into opening up a little. Reid just nodded, his face not showing a bit of emotion. He was just so tired; tired of losing people. Hotch tried to put a supportive hand on Reid's shoulder. Yes, in the past, Reid had expressed his dislike of physical contact, but Reid had been lenient in certain situations. Hotch had thought this would be one of those times, but his hand lingered for about two seconds before Reid backed away, looking straight down at his shoes. That two seconds had been long enough for Hotch to feel something a bit worrying;

"You're shaking." Reid had been so distracted by the days events he hadn't even noticed. He held out his hand to find it doing just as Hotch had said. He made brief eye contact with his boss and then quickly averted, placing his hands in his pockets. Hotch continued in a firm yet apprehensive tone, "Reid, you've got to talk to me, or someone, you're obviously not okay. Do I need to take you off this case? It's okay to ask for help, you don't have to bottle it up. We just want what's best for you" Reid ran a trembling hand through his hair, turning to face his friend to respond,

"I-I'm—" he leaned into the words he struggled to get out, "No, okay? I'm not alright. I just found out one of my friends is dead; the friend that I _would_ talk to about this. Who I'd confide in, a-and I'm tired, okay? Of losing friends, and I want t—" he trailed off, both because a slight quiver was creeping into his voice, and also because he hadn't meant to reveal this much to his team leader. He took a second to gather himself. He lowered his voice "…I need to be on this case. You want to _help me_ so much? This is what you can do. My mind needs the distraction, I need to be busy". Hotch was at a loss; one one hand he wasn't sure that Reid being on _this_ particular case was a good idea, but also if keeping Reid's mind occupied prevented it from going to dark places then how could he not?

"Okay. I trust your judgement. You can stay on the case," Hotch paused,

"Thank you," Reid interjected quietly, the embarrassment of how he had spoken to his boss now hitting him. Just then there was a knock at the door. Garcia poked her head in and informed her teammates that everyone had arrived and was in the conference room awaiting instruction. Hotch and Reid made their way back there but not before Hotch had one final thing to say,

"Reid, you are an invaluable member of this team and an equally invaluable friend. I don't mean to antagonize you, I just want you to be alright." Reid always felt awkward receiving compliments or condolences, but he could see the sincerity of his supervisor's words in his eyes. He just nodded a silent "yeah" and continued on into the conference room.


	5. Epiphany

**Alone**

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 _Sorry again for skipping a day- but thank you so much for your wonderful reviews, it literally makes my day hearing your feedback. Anyway, onwards to Chapter Five! - Cassidy_

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Reid entered the conference room first and immediately sat down, only mustering a momentary glance at his teammates before grabbing his bag to dig out the case file. Hotch followed him in meeting JJ's same concerned eyes that had cued his exit a few minutes earlier. Hotch began to brief Rossi and Morgan on their latest victim. Morgan interrupted him,

"Wait, ADD John Wolf? Didn't he just retire, like, 6 months ago?" Reid answered, not looking anywhere in particular, but certainly not at Morgan,

"5 months and 13 days ago," Morgan looked at his young friend questioningly— it wasn't _uncommon_ for Reid to know random facts like that, but still. Reid debated with himself, internally whether or not he wanted to admit his relationship with John to the whole of the team; they _did_ deserve an explanation as to why he was acting so strangely. Reid thought, _I'll just inform them of John's situation and hopefully they'll make the assumption themselves and I won't have to explain any further_.

"He was clean for 21 years and has sponsored several other addicts into successful recovery. He attended and ran weekly meetings, specifically, for addicts working as law enforcement officers, firefighters, and EMTs," The rest of his colleagues stared at him, not out of judgement but out of understanding, with JJ being the first to make the leap. Just then Reid had an epiphany as to how they might find their unsub, "Wait, so if we're operating on the idea that our unsub goes to different meetings to pick out his victims then that's where he would've had to have met John, therefore he'd have to be apart of one of those professions," Rossi challenged Reid's statement,

"Not necessarily, couldn't he have just lied his way in?" Reid rebutted,

"Because there's so much degradation for addicts in jobs of this nature the meetings are fairly exclusive— attendees are required to present their badge upon entering, so I mean unless this unsub made a fake badge— which is unlikely— I think that's where we should be looking". Hotch picked up right after his last sentence,

"Good, Garcia I want you to search for any law enforcement officers, firefighters, or EMT's convicted of drug abuse or possession and/or who may have been fired or quit within the last 3 months— that could be related to drugs; Morgan and JJ, I'll have you go to the crime scene, see if our unsub left anything new; and Rossi, you can go check out the victim's meeting again, hopefully you'll have more luck this time; and Reid, you and I are going to stay here, Clara Wolf will be here in an hour," As the group got up to execute their jobs, Reid pulled Hotch aside,

"Send me instead of Rossi, they're not gonna talk to him, they might talk to me," Hotch had considered this, he just didn't know how okay Reid would be with going back there,

"Are you comfortable with that?"

"Yeah, no I'll be fine— I know these guys" Reid assured. Hotch tried to read his agent's face for any signs of nervousness and then asked something he'd been wondering about for the last few days,

"When's the last time you attended a meeting?" Reid was caught off guard by the question, but understood why he'd asked it— depending on how long the unsub had been scoping out the different programs, Reid could potentially be in jeopardy. Reid answered reluctantly, looking down and then back up to meet his colleague's eyes,

"I, uh, went a few times after Gideon, the last one six weeks ago. I… it just— it brought back memories of when he left, you know, when I was just getting over the… drugs _,_ and everything," There it was, the first actual uttering of the word— _drugs_ , "John, actually was uh, he— I talked to him… about it" Reid's eye's returned to the floor, ears burning red. Hotch could sense Reid's shame,

"You don't need to explain yourself, Reid. I understand… You were right in seeking solace in your friend who could relate. Don't ever feel embarrassed for wanting help. I'm sorry., again, that you lost such a reliable confidante." Silence hung in the air all for but a minute before the unit chief spoke again, "You can go to the meeting, ask around, see if someone's noticed anyone who just started the program or was exhibiting odd behavior, maybe even if John had just started sponsoring someone new," Reid nodded as Hotch then proceeded to try to catch Rossi before he left. Reid was feeling a strange mixture of things, he was still shaking, his headache was back, he was anxious, but he also felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Finally opening up to one of his teammates about his drug addiction and having them be supportive and understanding was amazing. Not that he thought they'd be judgmental of him, but maybe more that they might pity him, or try to push him into discussing the details beyond what was comfortable for him. Hotch didn't do that. There might've been some concern, but no pity. He might've asked questions, but respectfully so and unobtrusively. Reid gathered his belongings and left for Pillar Baptist Church, where the BCC meetings were held.

After Hotch informed Rossi that he'd be interviewing Mrs. Wolf with him, he thought back to the past two and a half months since Gideon's death; _how had I not noticed Reid struggling? Did I just mistake the signs for grief?_ Whatever had happened, he surely was not going to neglect his youngest agent again. Now that this unspoken secret had been spoken about, he would be able to inquire more directly about Reid's wellbeing and hoped the doctor would be receptive of his aid.

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 _I appreciate you taking the time to read this, don't forget to follow/fav/review :D - Cassidy_


	6. Leads

Alone Ch. 6 "Leads"

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Reid drove himself to the church where the Beltway Clean Cops meetings were held. It was about one o'clock in the afternoon so they would be setting up for the early meeting which would start at two. It was a miracle Reid even made it to the church because he couldn't have been focussing less on his driving. His mind was both buzzing and vacant; so many thoughts that he couldn't concentrate on any one. It was strange. Since he'd been attending the BCC meetings even the drive itself became a comfort for him— just knowing he would reach the sense of understanding and fellowship from other addicts that he couldn't find anywhere else upon his arrival would work in some weird Pavlovian way to calm his cravings when they would hit. But this drive was different. This time he knew the man who had come to be a sort of father figure for him wasn't going to be there— and John was always there. Yes, John attended every meeting as he was an administrator of the organization, but he had also been there any time Reid needed to talk. John fielded the 3:00 AM phone calls after they thought Emily had been killed. He was a major reason why the young agent had just _thought about it_ and didn't act on those thoughts. And subsequently, John had helped Reid overcome the anger and feeling of betrayal he'd felt after it was revealed it had all been an elaborate ruse— as those emotions proved to be just as triggering as the ones of despair and grief.

It was the sound of his car door opening that brought Reid out of his own head and back into the task at hand. He sauntered into the atrium of the church and headed down the familiar hallway and through the third set of double doors. There were only two other people in the medium-sized event hall: a custodian setting out chairs that Reid had seen there many times— he was pretty sure his name was Austin, and Matt— a lieutenant for the Metropolitan Police of D.C., Iraq war veteran, as well as a morphine addict who's been clean for a little over nine years. Matt had essentially been John's right-hand man when it came to organizing the meetings so now the responsibility of ensuring their continuation fell to him.

"Spencer!-" Matt exclaimed, walking over to the genius after finally noticing him "-haven't seen you in a little while, how've you been?" He asked with concern in his voice, seeing the apprehensive look on the Reid's face. The agent didn't respond right away so Matt inquired, "you don't usually come to the two o'clock, are you alright?" Reid knew Matt, not as well as he'd known John, but he trusted and was comfortable talking with him,

"Uh, well, I'm here about John, actually-" he paused for a moment as Matt's smile wilted, "-my team and I, we're working his case and I wanted to ask you a few questions" Matt cooperated, fully wanting to do anything he could to assist. They sat down in two of the metal folding chairs before beginning. He'd told the lieutenant of their suspicion that the unsub was an addict himself who'd attended one of the BCC meetings and was therefore most likely a law enforcement officer, firefighter, or EMT.

"Can you think of anyone who's been exhibiting strange behavior in the last few months? Maybe expressing envy or resentment of other people's success within the program? Had John been sponsoring anyone new?" Reid asked,

"Um…" Matt thought for a minute, trying desperately to be thorough, "you know, I can think of a couple people," Reid's eyebrows raised, this could be what they need to close the case, "there was a, uh, firefighter, I think? Peter, he had some shares that maybe leaned more into rant territory? Seemed to be more bitter than congratulatory whenever someone got their 30 days, 90 days, a year, you know" Reid nodded along to Matt's words, taking in every bit of intel he could get, "and then there was this kid, I've only really seen him here maybe four of five times, I wanna say his name was Logan, an EMT. He never spoke and would always leave abruptly, again, before anyone got their milestone chip," he trailed off, just making sure he'd covered everything, "Oh and John did start sponsoring a girl named Hannah about a month ago, but she couldn't be sweeter, really smart, and just a good kid."

They both stood up and made their way for the door. Reid was about to thank Matt for all his help and head back to the office but Matt stopped him,

"My turn to ask questions, how are you holding up? Working his case, I mean I know it's your job, I get that, but you gotta be somewhat selfish in your recovery and do what's best for you. Have you considered sitting this one out? If you talk to your chief-" Reid cut him off, a little irritated,

"Yeah, no I have, I've talked to him, he knows, believe me he actually suggested the same…" he let out a sigh, "and you're right, both of you— I-I am struggling and I have considered taking myself off the case… but I can't do that," There was another pause but Matt remained silent, he just waited for Reid to continue, "you don't understand how my mind works", as he ran one of his hands through his hair he noticed they'd started shaking again, "it doesn't turn off, and if I don't have something to occupy it with… it _drifts_ into dark recesses and I don't want to do that." Matt rebutted,

"But isn't this entire case exactly the kind of darkness you don't want to fall back into? Listen, I know you want to help and do this for John but he wouldn't want you to if it was risking your sobriety," Spencer had diverted his attention away from the man's face and down to his shoes before he replied,

"I'm not taking myself off this case. I can handle it" he said it quietly; less as a statement and more as just self-reassurance. He looked back up to see Matt's worried eyes. Matt huffed, knowing full well he wouldn't be able to change the genius's mind,

"Alright, well after you catch this guy, I think you should come visit us again, we start to miss you after a little while". This sparked the first semblance of a smile Reid had had in the last few days. He nodded in agreement. Matt added, "I'm here if you ever need anything, alright? I mean that— I know you might prefer it but you don't have to do this alone". Reid responded with silent _I know_ and a _thank you_ before turning up the collar on his coat, getting back in his car, and returning to the office to reconvene with his team.


	7. Pieces

_Alone_ Ch. 7: "Pieces"

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 **Hey, remember when I was all like "I'ma upload everyday"? Yeah, lol that was a funny joke. Honestly though, sorry about the delayed and sporadic uploads- I'll try to be more on top of it. I'm not abandoning this, I promise. - Cassidy**

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Hotch and Rossi were seated in the conference room when Spencer returned.

"How was Clara Wolf?" the young agent asked. Rossi responded,

"Well, she couldn't give us much information since she never attended any of John's meetings herself—"

"Yeah, I figured that would be the case, I asked how she was, not what she gave you," Reid interrupted. He was concerned for the newly widowed woman and was bothered by the older agent's lack of empathy— despite their job typically being benefitted by a certain level of objectivity. Hotch and Rossi both raised their eyebrows at the genius's uncharacteristically crude tongue, and though Rossi wanted to fire back with an equally biting retort, he decided he would respond better to gentler approach, given the circumstances, though he didn't sugar-coat,

"You're right, I apologize. She was expectedly devastated. She was still in shock, quite frankly I've amazed she got herself here given the state she was in". Reid knew Clara. He had been to John and Clara's home on several occasions— both for celebratory and consolatory reasons— and she had always been extremely gracious and accommodating towards him. Hotch decided to change the subject, seeing the worry on his agent's face,

"What did you find out at the church?" Focusing on the task at hand is what Reid needed to keep himself above water.

"Uh, I talked to the guy who's taking over for John and I got a few names for Garcia to cross-check with our current list of officers, fire fighters, and EMTs" Just then Hotch's phone rang. It was JJ calling to confirm that it looked to be the same MO used as the six previous murders. Hotch informed her of Reid's findings and JJ said she and Morgan would grab food and coffee for everyone since it would be another long night at the office.

The unit chief hung up and instructed the other two agents in the room,

"Alright, Morgan and JJ will be back in about an hour; I'm going to take your list of names to Garcia and schedule interviews with whatever matches we get. I'll have you two finish the geographical profile— we still haven't plotted John's house or the church sites" and with that he left Reid and Rossi to themselves.

In spite of their minor miscommunication, Reid was relieved to be working with Rossi— it was the second best thing to being alone. Rossi didn't normally pry, however, what Reid had anticipated to be a break from intrusive questioning was anything but. Because Rossi wasn't around during the Hankel case— he knew the gist but not the particulars— and because of the team's vow to not speak of it, he was left to put the pieces together himself, and what Rossi had put together over the years was something quite sensitive and rather deserving of an explanation. He eased into his inquiries,

"You're handling this remarkably well, you know?" Reid turned to face the older man, "correct me if I've gathered incorrectly, but John basically replaced Gideon as a sort of father-figure to you after he left, didn't he?" Reid returned his attention to pining crime scene photos onto the cork board in front of him, not wanting to respond at all to the borderline inappropriate question. Rossi wasn't trying to provoke or upset his colleague, he was simply trying to get him to open up and release some of the hazardous pent up emotion that he could see was weighing heavily on the young man, and if that required him to be intrusive and inconsiderately blunt then so be it. Acknowledging that the senior agent wouldn't let this go he sighed a reply,

"He helped me through some rough times." Rossi frowned at Reid's unwillingness to actually share what was going on in his head. Some times passed without another word spoken. Reid stepped back from the board and sat down in his chair at the round table. Rossi noticed Reid's knee bouncing up and down and that he was wringing his hands in an attempt to deter their involuntary trembling. The older man tried again to get the younger to talk,

"You know, it's okay to break down, it'd actually be healthier to let yourself properly grieve instead of keeping it all inside. You don't have to put on this brave face." Reid's expression was stoic, almost that of what you'd expect on their unit chief,

"Yes I do. My relationship to John is a conflict of interest so the only thing keeping me on this case is the fact that that relationship is protected by the anonymity of the program. I can't break down or else I'd risk Cruz or other higher ups finding out and then what?" Reid was getting a little worked up. He took a deep breath, looking down at his shoes, he continued quietly "if I lost this job, _if I lost you guys_ , I honestly don't know what I would do…" he paused and let out a sad, breathy laugh, "…probably something really stupid." Rossi couldn't find words to respond to that. Reid's misty eyes met those of his colleague and then the door opened. Hotch and Garcia strolled in unaware of the scene they'd just interrupted. Rossi cleared his throat and Reid feigned rubbing something out of his eye while Garcia's jovial voice brought the two up to speed,

"Hello, mon amis, so here's what we've got," she handed them files on the three hits they received, "Peter Reynolds, Peter Savic, and Logan Tate…" she had a presentation ready to go with their pictures and information, "…Reynolds is a forty-one year old fire fighter, he had a couple charges of disorderly conduct back in 2011 as a result of his alcoholism. Savic and Tate are both EMTs; Savic, now thirty-four, had two charges of drug possession when he was twenty years old, then another one about a year ago. And then Tate is twenty-six. He was recently fired for skimming oxycodone from the pharmacy of the hospital that he reported to and they're currently pressing charges." Hotch was carefully evaluating the odd behavior of the two men in the room; Reid wasn't looking at anyone and was shifting uncomfortably in his seat while Rossi, who was usually the most relaxed of all of them, sat with his hands folded tightly on top of the table, also making frequent glances to the team's youngest. He made a mental note to investigate the cause of this as JJ and Morgan entered the room, setting styrofoam containers and cups down on the table.

The team took a break to eat and the get everyone on the same page. Rossi had reverted to his typical wise-cracking self and was carrying the conversation along with Morgan and Garcia while Hotch stayed focused on Reid who was fidgeting silently, just wanting it to be tomorrow so they could get on with the interviews and get somewhere with his case. JJ was also trained on the genius, intending on being the shoulder he could lean on after this case was over.

After a few more hours of organizing interviews and contacting the employers and landlords of their suspects they were all set for an early start the next day so Hotch sent everyone home. Reid's fidgeting had gotten worse. As their case went on the young agent was finding it more and more difficult to resist the urge to succumb to the pure bliss and euphoria his former vice would provide. On his way home Reid thought to himself, _I just need a little something to relax; a small hit to get through this nightmare and then that's it._ Reid ran his hand through his hair— something he'd been doing a lot these past couple days— then gripping onto his locks out of stress and frustration, _No, no, no, what am I thinking?! What I need is to get home. Get home, go to sleep, a year from now this'll just be a bad memory, don't make it worse. What would John think?_

He arrived at his apartment, his shaking hands making it difficult to get the key into the door to enter his place. He placed his bag and coat on the couch and began pacing around his living room, trying to calm himself down. He was beginning to feel desperate. He really didn't want to be alone right now, he didn't trust himself but who could he call. Reid would've normally called John is instances like this, but that thought only caused the genius to become even more on edge. He couldn't reach out to his teammates whom he'd assured several times that he could handle this case— which it was quickly becoming very apparent that he could not. He could call Matt. Reid and Matt weren't super close but he did say that he would be here for him, and what did the young agent have to lose— other than his sobriety?

Reid fumbled to get his phone out of his pocket and quickly dial Matt's number knowing that if took any time at all doing so he might change his mind. The phone rang a first time. Reid backed up until he hit a wall. The phone rang a second time. He started to slide down the wall into a seated position on the floor, wrapping his free arm around his knees, for he feared if he didn't restrain himself he would bolt out the door and into some back alley. The phone rang a third time. a single tear escaped from Reid's eye and ran down his cheek. He was beginning to fracture; beginning to come apart. A voice came through the phone,

"You've reached Matt Shepherd, sorry I missed your call. Please leave your name and number and I'll get back to you as soon as I can." Reid sat there for a moment until he dropped his phone onto the hardwood. He wiped the tear trail off his face, stood up abruptly, and made his way over to the couch. Within a few seconds the man hastily shoved his arms through the sleeves of his navy coat. He turned up the collar and marched out the door and into the cold, black, night.

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 **OOooOHhhH! Where's he going? What's he gonna do?! Sorry again for not uploading regularly. I appreciate all the reviews/follows/favorites- they really motivate me to keep writing this so thank you, thank you, thank you! - Cassidy**


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